Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional.

I just finished watching a short video by author Hollye Dexter (I’ve posted the link to her video at the bottom of this post) on the value of suffering, and I couldn’t help but think how she nailed it with this video. For this was a lesson I too learned the hard way.

Hollye and her family lost absolutely everything in a terrible house fire, including all five of their pets. A fire that left them homeless, bankrupt, and faced with the monumental task of learning how to be happy with nothing while starting over. A task that felt so overwhelming it took her 15 years to be able to write about the experience.

For me suffering came in a large part from sports (adventure racing & mountaineering) that I consciously chose to participate in. Why I choose those sports and why I had the need to endure is a story for another day. But suffer I did, to the point that I am embarrassed to say I actually thought I was a badass, that I was tough. That there was nothing I could not out suffer.

That illusion came to a screeching halt on September 30 2007, just after 7 am. My daughter-in law had gone into labor the previous evening and I was excitedly awaiting the call that my first grandchild Tia had made her entrance into the world. What I received was a call that left me stunned and suffering beyond anything I ever could have imagined.

The words still seem impossible. “Jenn, there was a complication, Tia didn’t make it.” As I write this, years later I am unable to stop the tears from coming, the ache in my heart has not lessened. As much as it still hurts though, I have made peace with the pain, the suffering has stopped. This is the lesson I want to share with anyone that may find themselves struggling or suffering.

When we find ourselves in a time of suffering (especially if we are going to be in this space for an extended period of time) we simply must find a way out, a way back to happiness. As a Buddhist in my time of suffering, I returned to the basics, the Four Noble Truths.

The Four Noble Truths teach that suffering exists, suffering arises from attachment to desires, suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases and freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path. This post is not intended to be a teaching on Buddhism so I won’t go into details. This is an offering of a way out, regardless of what religious beliefs you hold.

Recognize there is a value in suffering. When we suffer we are forced to learn who we really are. Who the person behind the mask is. When stripped bare we no longer have the ability to hide behind our accomplishments, job, lifestyle, house, bank account, status.

And as difficult as this may be, it is a gift. When we are forced to look inside and get to know the real us, we are finally freed from all the bullshit. We learn that “stuff” no matter how nice will never make us truly happy or bring us peace.

Suffering can only exist as long as we resist what is, when we remain attached to how things should be, when we hold on to the story of what happened to us. For me I don’t have to look much farther than my days as an adventure racer to be reminded of how to make the suffering cease.

I recall one race in particular. We had spent three non-stop (read no sleep & constant movement) days trekking, cycling, paddling and at times literally crawling through some wickedly cruel backcountry & swamps. It was, to this day, still one of the most miserable experiences of my life. Everything ached, my body was trashed, covered in bug bites, and soon I would be sicker than a dog from the giardia I picked up while crossing a swamp and swallowing a mouth full of putrid swamp water. Oh those were the days, let me tell you!

Everything within me wanted to quit. What had seemed like a good idea when I entered my team in Eco Challenge North America now seemed stupid & pointless. Who in their right fucking mind subjects themselves to this shit? But I couldn’t quit because our sponsor wouldn’t have been exactly thrilled and I had three teammates who would also be out if I pulled the pin. This situation left me with a choice: continue to be miserable or get over it. I choose getting over it. I shifted my focus from how miserable & sick I was to the beauty of my surroundings. To the incredible people I was blessed to call my mates. To transition zones that contained a gear box with food and dry clothes. I began to feel better, well at least until I was so sick we could no longer continue the race!

I applied the same principles to making peace with losing Tia. I could continue to suffer or I could let it go. My focus shifted from loss to what I did have. Friends and people I barely knew, who came to my side and that of my family in our time of pain. I focused on loving and cherishing the time with my family and friends.

I finally learned the lesson that life is short, sometimes incredibly short and to never waste the opportunity to live it fully. To tell people how much I love & value them, to focus on all that is good, to choose happiness. To live by the incredibly wise words of the Dalai Lama

"When you lose, don’t lose the lesson"

Today I am blessed to have four more beautiful grandchildren Hailey, Caeden, Kathryn and Brooke and not a day goes by where I take having this blessing for granted. Thanks to my greatest little teacher Tia.

Thank you so much for reading, if you enjoyed this post I welcome your comments below and please share with your friends!

With deep gratitude, namaste.

CLICK HERE FOR HOLLYE’S VIDEO – COURTESY OF HUFFPOST LIVE